Fixing Hatchet

Okay in my last post I detailed on the faults of Hatchet (sorry Gary Paulsen). This post is all about fixing those faults:

The Run-On Sentences:
Let's take some of the worst run-ons in the book and fix them up to be as normal as possible

1.      " It went slowly--he knew it would never completely leave--but he looked to the shore and there  trees and birds, the sun was getting low and golden over his shelter and when he stopped coughing he could hear the gentle sounds of the evening, the peace sounds, the bird sounds and the breeze in the trees."     
                                        Hmmmmmmmmmmm what about;
           It went slowly and he knew it would never completely leave. He looked towards the shore. There the birds, hiding in the underbrush, were making small chirping noises. The trees looming loftily above them waved gently in the evening breeze, nearly obscuring the setting sun. Even as he stopped coughing it was lowering deeper into the horizon. It was a beautiful sight.

2.       "He had to be sure to try to sleep in short intervals so he could keep the fire going and he tried to think of a way to regulate his sleep but it just made him sleepy to think about it and he was just going under again when he heard the sound outside."
                                                 Okay what about this:
           He had to figure out a way to regulate his sleep so he could keep the fire going but it just made him tired to think about it. Brian was just going under again when he heard the noise from outside the shelter.

3 "But something caught his ear or nose and he began to turn, and had his head half around, when  he saw a brown wall of fur detach itself from the forest and come at him like a run away truck." (this isn't the worst one I'm just lazy and I knew where this one was)
                                                      And . . . . .
  But something caught his ear or nose and he had his head halfway around when he saw a massive brown wall of fur detach itself from the forest and come at him like a runaway truck.
                 Not perfect but better.



The Unrealistic-ness 
Brian could  should have died on multiple occasions. Unfortunately I don't have a cure for this one because the book would end before it began.


Brian's Choices
Really Brian wasn't good at surviving, he was just lucky. He ate bright red berries that (a. He didn't know the name of or have a clue that they would be edible and (b. There were plenty of, which means the animals aren't eating them which means that they are most likely poisonous. I would make Brian notice the berries and ignore them. He would wander around delirious in hunger and eventually he would find the raspberry bush. If Brian was that smart on other occasions he wouldn't get himself in so much trouble.